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Homeschooling: Hanging On, ADHD in GirlsNOTICE: The following posts are taken from the Christian ADHD Homeschoolers List. The names, e-mail addresses and locations of all parties involved have been removed to protect their privacy. The posts have been used with permission, but are copyrighted by ADHD of the Christian Kind. I am mother to 3 very active boys. My 8 y.o. is undiagnosed ADHD with other issues. We are scouting for a doctor now for testing since I am at the end of my rope in knowing how to deal with him. I also have a 6 y.o. and a 3 1/2 y.o. I have been homeschooling for 3 years. You know that "end of my rope" kind of feeling? Well, it seems consistent with all of us who have ADHD children and it doesn't completely go away. We grow through it. Have you seen the online Bible studies? http://www.christianadhd.com/biblestudy.html . I highly recommend the one entitled, "Coming to Terms with ADD/ADHD." This one helps put the whole thing in perspective. Yep, I think I have been hanging from the end of this rope for about 25 years. That is how old my oldest son is. But I have never given up and let go. I continue to fight the good fight, love my children through all of this, and enjoy them anyway. That is one of the biggest challenges. Do not allow how other people see your children affect how YOU see your children. Allow the Lord to help you see them through His eyes of love. My children drive me absolutely looney some days. But the Lord has helped me learn to love them anyway. I can look at my 13yo with love and compassion in my heart. Only the Lord can do this. If you will let me tangle up metaphors here . . . . Someone recently sent me a message saying that we ought to hold each other's ropes. (He was reading loosely from Acts 9:20-25, the passage where several people helped an apostle by sneaking him out of town. Visualize everyone holding onto the rope as the basket lowers.) I don't claim to be old and wise, but the little I have seen convinces me that we all do need each other. I am so thankful that God led me to your website. I finally feel that I am not a bad parent, not alone, and have hope for the future! My most difficult child at this time is my 12 yo. But the 8 yo is pretty bad at times, with hitting his 5 yo brother. I am just looking for ideas and support to deal with so much. We have always homeschooled and now that the oldest is 12 , I keep getting the comments about when is he going to school? My mother is very status quo and does NOT understand our lifestyle. She is a great mom, though. Just can't see that my kids are better off at home. There is a Christian school out here, we live in the country, but it is more than we could afford and they probably wouldn't take my 12 yo anyway, until I get things in a better condition. He is very verbal, in a bad way! He is impulsive, immature, most likely OCD, ODD. Not on any meds, trying various supplements. After reading the archives, I am putting him on the Mannatech stuff, which I already have, bought it for my own issues. Just wanted to let you know that I am glad you joined this group. I am quite new at this too. Also, my 11 year old son is the only one I can homeschool because of all his "issues". And yes, he is quite a handful. I have taught in public schools and although I knew many wonderful teachers, I strongly believe it is not the place for ADD kids. I took my son off of all meds and usually by the end of the day I am about to pull my hair out. So hang in there girl... you guys are doing the right thing... as hard as it seems. Martial arts is also a great way for these kids to gain some self - esteem and self-discipline. You need to make sure there is a Christian instructor who understands the particulars of the add/ocd etc. child:) Great blessings to you and your family.... I know you have your hands full. (checked out the website... I taught special education and I love God's "special children") I have a 10yo Asperger son as well. He is not professionally diagnosed, but fits most of the criteria. I personally think being homeschooled and home all the time with a large family has been the best thing for this child of mine. When he was 7, he fell out of a tree and broke his right femur. He had to have surgery and an external fixator put on. When he woke up from the anesthesia, he cried and cried, not because of the pain, which was awful, but because, as he said, "I miss my family." He had never been away from his brothers and sister. He participated in his first science fair a few weeks ago and gave the talk on his project without a hitch. He was wonderful. "After the first year your grandmother will likely be amazed at how much he knows and how well he is doing! Just hang in there and watch him closely this year to see how he learns and what he likes." Such great advice -- we have to be strong and wait for God to bring results -- the proof is in the pudding. I KNOW we must PRAY, PRAY, and PRAY more and more in this difficult job. God will answer!!! Someone said that God is CONSTANTLY hearing EVERY prayer we pray -- the prayers are constantly before our Lord. I guess I learned that as a young girl but haven't heard that since. So pray often! I REALLY want this "praying life" more -- I know the homeschooling goes smoother and we experience more direction when I pray more. I have used Student of the Word for 4 years. My ADD daughter was in first grade at the time. She is now finishing 4th grade. There are lots of things I love about it, especially that every subject (except Math) is centered around God's word! We really enjoyed it while we had a co-op group meeting every week to present what had been acconplished that week. All the children could really learn from each other and encourgage one another. We really worked hard to stay on track. My daughter really put her best into it. Since the co-op stopped meeting, it has all been down hill. My daughter is not doing her best work, since no one but Mom will ever see it. Also, as my children get older (I have another girl in second grade - not ADHD) I get more and more uncomfortable about the lack of teacher information, the amount of planning that needed to be done, and the inability to really effectively evaluate the level of their work. I'm switching this year to Tapestry of Grace, since it gives so many more details to the teacher as well as many detailed assignments. I also have more opportunities for coops in my area with this curriculum. We just took him off his meds 4 weeks ago so we haven't tryed anything else yet. My son gets really angry at me when he doesn't get his way. He throws things around and he hit me. He just doesn't control his anger. When he does his school he gets upset when he makes a mistake and he wants to quit. Since he is on no meds he can't seem to do 5 minutes of work before he wants to move on or take a break. I have a son with anger management problems as well. They are exhausting to have around sometimes. God's grace is sufficient! One thing to try with the anger is to put your 10yo on a sugar-free diet. Additionally, try to avoid foods with artificial colors. I have personally experienced the difference off sugar and on sugar. When I am off sugar, I am calm and much more patient. When "on" sugar, I can fly off the handle and yell at the children much easier. Might be worth a try. If you do see a difference, consider having your son evaluated for blood sugar problems, esp. hypoglycemia. At one point, we had all three children tested for ADHD. This was when I was working full-time outside the home. By the time dh and I got home in the evenings, they were all bouncing off the walls. Although he'd never been officially tested, I knew my son has ADHD. He, my mother, my siblings, and I hit all 18 of the criteria. You only need to have 6 to a degree that is detrimental in order to be diagnosed. From things my grandmother has told me, she and her sibs all have it, too. It's just that in those days, you learned to work your life around it or it destroyed your life. Oh, wait. That's kinda like it is today, isn't it? ;-) Anyhow, I couldn't tell a difference in the way the children were acting when we'd get in from work. I had really good insurance where I worked, so we just had them ALL tested. Turns out that we were right about my son. He has ADHD-Combined. Son and daughter both tested as having symptoms, but not to the point of being detrimental to their lives. However, the test *did* show where their challenges were. (I love Dr. Kocen's computerized test!!) One of the reasons my son has problems with anger management is that he has extremely low impulse control. When there is a stimulus, he reacts before he has time to think. So the key for us was to work on slowing down those reactions. Yes, everyone gets frustrated when they make mistakes. But most of us are able to keep ourselves from lashing out because of the frustration. Your son's reactions sound close enough to our son's reactions that I'd be willing to bet that he's also got a bit of a perfectionist tendency. He *expects* himself to do things perfectly. He gets upset when he's not perfect. And he expects the same of others. That expectation adds to the frustration because none of us are perfect, we all make mistakes. We've found that a rewards/privileges system works well for ds. If he reacts well for set time period, he can go to a friend's house, watch a movie, or whatever. We started with short time periods. Right before he left for _______, he went for four-and-a-half days without an explosion, and it was a fairly mild one. This is the kid who was having 3-4 *major* explosions a day when we first started homeschooling 3 yrs ago, with a few severe explosions thrown in once in a while. Of course, now that he's 16yo and has a job 18 miles away, he's having to learn to watch his reactions more closely, both here and at work. If he doesn't treat people with courtesy and respect here at home, he has no transportation to work. I can't control his behavior, only he can. But I *DO* control who gets in my truck and for whom I provide transportation. Your son's challenges may have a different basis than our son's. Pray about it. Ask God for guidance in seeing where his challenges lie and in knowing how to help him through those challenges. And always remember, they are *challenges*, not problems. People will work to get past challenges. Far too often, people give up in the face of a "problem." I know it's symantics, but it's *important* symantics. If you need to yell, scream, cry, or whatever, I'm here. We were looking at the Feingold diet which my husband was on as a child. I already reduces his sugar intake and I have seen him a bit calmer. May be I need to reduce mine too. It wouldn't hurt for the whole family to do artificial sweetener (better to use stevia) instead of sugar. We try to cut out artificial things, including artificial sweetners. We also cut back on overly-processed foods, including white breads and pastas. It helps, but if I cut back too much, ds acts almost like a druggie going through withdrawal symptoms. Like with any addiction, stopping only works if you have the addict's cooperation. We do *not* have that much cooperation from ds when it comes to cutting back on pastas and white breads. Things made from overly-processed flour convert more quickly to sugar once in the body. That's why you can get a sugar rush from them. This is why people (including me) sometimes have extreme cravings for those easy-to-convert carbs. We try to stick with more protein and the more complex carbs. Try doing the checklist on Dr. Daniel Amen's website, http://www.brainplace.com . He's broken ADHD down into 6 subcategories, rather than the 3 in the DSM-IV. Through his work with his patients, he's analyzed which meds work for certain subcategories and exacerbate others. He's also got dietary, herbal, and supplement info included for each subcategory. Just last night my husband and I were discussing trying some diet changes with our son. His impulsivity is off the charts right now and driving the whole family crazy, and we thought maybe it is time to get serious about the diet aspect. I dread it because I know it will give him one more thing to battle and complain about. He is battling over everything right now anyway, and I am tired, and not looking forward to trying to enforce dietary changes. It will be worth it if he feels better, though. I have to admit that I am not big on the die "thing". However, I watch the sugar intake real close. Also, chocolate, caffiene, & anything with red food coloring are off limits - except for very rare occasions. These things alone have made a big difference for our son. Maybe you could start this way & your son would be able to adjust slowly. What I hope to glean from this list, and your wisdom and experiences, are clues for disciplining and teaching #2dd. I must admit at this point, I am pretty beat down, frustrated and clueless. I also belong to a wonderful homeschool message board, but I was looking for more specific information and input. ADHD in girls is usually a totally different disorder than in boys, so it is often not caught when girls are younger unless they are extremely hyperactive. For girls, they may come across as dreamy, messy, lazy, moody, have very poor memory skills, difficulty concentrating, make poor decisions, etc. As they get older, if they are not taught coping skills and/or treated, they may end up doing poorly in college and have difficulty keeping a job. For those who will be homekeepers, they will have a difficult time managing their homes, esp. after babies come along -- lots of distraction. My son, cannot concentrate in the classroom. There are too many distractions and he seems to wonder away from people. The teacher has lost him and a few occasions.Thank goodness he is 12 and can take care of himself. He is very hyper and active everywhere he goes. He can not follow more than 2 directions. His memory is so short term and he often repeats himself. He ask the same questions over and over and we cannot get a focus for him. My dd and I have struggled over schoolwork for a long time. It was recently suggested to me by a professional family therapist that she may be suffering from "soft disabilities" and I should have her tested. I requested testing through the charter school. We met with a Student Study Team (SST). They really did not have a lot of input, as they continued to see her as strong-willed. I came away from that meeting some what deflated, it all seemed to be a matter of self-discipline, hers and mine. We have continued to work through the summer trying to implement some of the SST's suggestions. This last week a friend of mine sent me a link about ADHD. She said she thought I might like to find out more. It was not very helpful, but it made me remember ADHD of the Christian kind site; and I thought why not? I went to a link through there and found a list of indicators for ADD and my daughter has every one of them. Then when your note came with the more specific clues for girls, she has all of those too. In fact, that list jogged my memory about a book I had read about dreamers. I can't remember specifically what it was called but I it was something like "Strong willed or Dreamer" I thought then she was just a dreamer. I'm thinking now, she was ADD. I know this is getting really long, I'm sorry about that. What is really hurting right now, is what kind of an image does she have of herself? For years everyone around her has "labeled" her lazy, stubborn, self-centered, strong-willed, no self discipline, little self control. Even the SST didn't see any "outside" problems affecting her behavior, even though some of these teachers have known her for years. One of their solutions was to put her into a traditional classroom because she does better in a classroom environment. I am not going for that suggestion; and as the summer unfolds and I gain new information I am of the opinion that she has gotten this far because she is homeschooled. I am seeking answers and adaptations for her. Her eldest sister (#1dd) is leaving for college and has told her that she should finish high school early and come to college with her. I think that is in #2 dd's head to do. I think she is capable of doing it, especially if we can find some strategies to maximize her learning. I believe the Lord is leading us to homeschool again. I had an extremely difficult time although it was the most awesome experience I had ever done. It broadened my own horizon and abilities I never knew I had. I received little or no support outside my home neither was I familiar with teaching, teaching styles or the various ways of learning. I simply stepped out into a world of the unknown and crashed at the difficulties my children and I faced. The more I read about ADD the more I saw my children's problems and even my own. I feel the need to be more educated about this condition and solutions to apply to our daily life. I am storing as much as I can for this go around because this time I'm going to stick it out and endure until all of my children are finished with school. I believe your daughter needs the ADHD label for her own self-esteem. When I was diagnosed at age 39 I walked away from that session knowing that there was a reason for how I was. I was not stupid. I even have a high IQ but have such a difficult time with boring tasks, including taking an organized class. I don't even like taking classes for hobbies because there is too much fluff, as I see it, stuff that I could learn by just reading for a few minutes. I don't need to have my hand held when I am learning a new task. What is difficult for homeschoolers, and was brought up recently by a wonderful unschooling mom on this list, is that if we allow our children more room to pursue their interests, they WILL learn, but if they want to learn the guitar, they should not be forced to learn the history of the guitar in all its boring aspects. Does this make sense? In other words, these children learn differently than most children. You place a set of boring school tasks in front of an ADHD child and their brains immediately begin to shut down. There has been documentation of ADHD brains emitting sleepy brain waves when faced with boring, mundane tasks. Hence children will tap their pencil, shake a leg, doodle, hum, make silly noises, all meant to stimulate and keep awake their brains while they agonize over a boring school task. I mentioned a few weeks ago that I kept nearly falling asleep when I was sitting with my 8yo son helping him with his A Beka math lesson. It was so boring that I could hardly keep my eyes open. It was excruciating for me. I believe the Lord allowed me to experience that so that I could empathize with what I am expecting of my children. We must be open to alternative learning and teaching styles. I absolutely cannot listen to a teaching tape and come away with anything. I must look at the face of a preacher in order to retain what they are speaking on. I am not an auditory learner, but am very visual and kinesthetic. Give me a manual and the tool and I will figure it out as I go along. Do not give me a five-minute lecture on how it works. I won't remember a thing unless I am "doing" as I am listening, and even then it is hard for me to catch the meaning orally. I need a book with illustrations, or at least very good technical writing. Does this make sense? Oh, let me share one more thought, if you will. I always thought I was just average in intelligence. I thought I was okay, but nothing to get excited about. I never knew that I had a high IQ. I'm not sharing this to brag. It isn't a genius IQ, but it is above-average. I don't see myself as gifted or talented, but I certainly needed to be challenged more in school. Gifted children can have ADHD. They need exciting, variety in their learning environment. This is such a challenge for moms who need all their ducks in a row in order to feel they are doing well with homeschooling. For many of our children, they will not learn with all their ducks in a row. They go here and there, learning a little bit of this and a little bit of that. But if they are delight-driven, they will retain what they are learning. Hours of mom-driven or textbook-driven so-called learning will result in pages of work to show someone, but your children will not retain what they were supposed to learn. I am sitting here in shock - you just gave a very accurate description of me! The doctor was kind of surprised to find that except for one other son, no one in my or dh's family had been previously diagnosed with ADHD- I am beginning to suspect that I have been the one to 'bless' my sons with this. My oldest son began to finally learn when I pulled him out of school and homeschooled him. I hsed for 2nd grade and then 7th through graduation. His only regret was that I didn't put him in sports more. He is always after me to put his brothers in baseball, so we did this year. My point is that some children are just not classroom learners. They just don't thrive in that environment. That is why so many of us homeschool our children. |
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