Homeschooling the ADHD Child
Homeschooling Under Attack!
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Over the last six months I have had people all around me attack our homeschooling lifestyle. I have had people in leadership in my church question that I should be homeschooling to supposed friends trying to convince me to put my kids in public school.
No one seems to be encouraging me to put my children in a Christian school. But the pressure sure is on to put them in public school.
Yesterday my dh was talking to one of my friends who is taking her son out of Christian school and putting him in the local middle school in just a few weeks. Somehow she is convinced that he needs the additional social challenges along with exposure to extra curricular activities. Well, this friend was telling my dh all about how wonderful the middle school is here in our town. I walk up to the two and my dh looks at me (we are still in church after service) and he says to me, "I think we might consider trying out the middle school now." I was furious.
I mumbled something and walked away. I couldn't believe this was coming from another direction. Let me add that no one has any complaints about the education my children are getting, or about their behavior in church or anywhere else. It is the whole idea of homeschooling that seems to be under attack all around me personally.
After church I told my dh that I needed to talk to him about the incident in church. We sat down and I explained about my friend's very secular philosophy about education. I also told him that she was definitely anti-homeschooling and has voiced concerns to me about how inferior homeschooling is overall and how she would never homeschool her son.
My dh and I then discussed secular education vs. Christian education. We discussed my oldest son's horrible experience in middle school. His idea to send him to public school for 6th grade for all the same reasons only to have this child beaten up and attacked regularly as well as getting virtually no education at the same time. It was a nightmare.
I feel that homeschooling is under attack because the enemy wants my children out of our home. There is absolutely no pressure to put the children in Christian school so I can have a break. No one seems concerned about me.
Anyone else getting a lot of pressure right now from family, friends, church leadership to NOT homeschool?
Deep down I feel that it is spiritual warfare for my children. They are protected at home, and they are getting a Christian education. It is not a perfect education, but it is where the Lord has us right now.
I hope no one is offended by this post, but I feel like I am standing alone on this issue. I don't know what my dh thinks when he entertains ideas like this. He never voiced concern for me. He never mentioned that my son might get a superior education. He knows that my son is getting a thoroughly rigorous, well-rounded education right now.
He told me that my son has to learn to get along in the real world. These were my friend's words. I tell you, I was fuming. Get along in the real world? In the schools? My son goes to work with my dh and is learning IT after he finishes his schoolwork. He is in an office of extremely gifted engineers all day long, 4-5 days a week. He converses with these real men in the real world. Since when does middle school represent the real world?
I am sorry that this is so long. I am hurt, upset, and praying hard. I am seeking the Lord and making sure He wants me to continue homeschooling my children. I am certainly open to changing gears since homeschooling is not fun for me nor is it relaxing, refreshing, freeing of my time.
Am I seeing things wrong? Is my family under attack?
Thanks for letting me vent.
>>He told me that my son has to learn to get along in the real world.
These were my friend's words. I tell you, I was fuming. Get along in the real world? In the schools? My son goes to work with my dh and is learning IT after he finishes his schoolwork. He is in an office of extremely gifted engineers all day long, 4-5 days a week. He converses with these real men in the real world. Since when does middle school represent the real world?<<
________, this is one of the arguments that my dh and I have about
homeschooling. I think it is amazing that anyone thinks of school,
especially middle school, as the "real world." To the contrary, keeping
one's children at home as long as possible gives them a grounding in *my*
real world, that of love and caring for others, responsibility, and
self-confidence. How can they gain those things when, as you say, they are
being attacked on those same fronts every day? Once the kids are at home,
they can see that world clearly for what it is - cruel, false, demanding,
artificial, and useless when it comes to true learning. I guess it depends
on how one views the world, at the core. Is the "real world" the world of
God's love given to the family, or is the "real world" what the society says
it is? This is a key problem in our house. I can't change my dh's
worldview, and he's not going to change mine.
I am sure that your family is under attack. I believe that this is all
Bible prophecy - all Christians are going to have to put on the full armor
of God in order to stand up to the onslaught. I want my children to be able
to stand up, too, but right now, they are in that "real world" and absorbing
everything I stand against.
How do your kids feel? Are they strong against the notion that they should
go to middle school, or are they still malleable? You said your son was
beaten up - I'm sure he doesn't want to go back, right?
My children occasionally voice their desire to attend school because their
friends go to school. It is all social, never for a better education.
I always thought my dh and I had the same worldview, but I am seeing more
and more differences. I had to fight as a single mom for every inch of
ground for my oldest son (he was the one who was beaten up in middle school
back in the early 90's).
My children like the freedom of being homeschooled. They like the
flexibility, accommodations I make for their disorders and challenges, even
being with their siblings most of the time.
My children are very close and do everything together.
Thank you for writing back. I feel better knowing that I am not alone.
When I began homeschooling my oldest son 12 years ago, I got all the
assaults and eventually everyone realized that I was not moving from my
position. My oldest son is a very well-rounded, social, hard-working
person. He is rare in the military. He is rare in the retail field he was
in before joining the military. He was moving up so fast in retail because
he showed up for work every day and worked very, very hard at his job. He
took pride in doing an excellent job. This is very rare in the "real
world".
Again, thank you. I am often tired and do get discouraged with
homeschooling, but know that this is what the Lord wants me to do with my
children for now.
I treasure every day that I have to speak into their lives, train their
characters, and teach them from the Word of God and from a biblical
worldview. The Lord knows that will not happen when they get out in the
"real world". They will be assaulted and pressured to compromise every
day.
Yes, I think your family is under attack. This may not be an option, but
have you considered trying a different church? When we first moved here we
began going to a church with very few homeschoolers. I was talking about
h/s and one child asked his mom what homeschooling was! I never received
any negative remarks abouth homeschooling; however, I never felt like I
connected with the other moms. I heard of a church two miles down the road
that had a ton of homeschoolers. We gave it a try and are very happy there.
I feel like I have support and understanding, and I don't have to explain my
reasons for homeschooling. Our boys are very comfortable there too. I
don't advocate leaving a church when things are going the way you want; but,
I think you are not getting the spiritual support you need.
My heart goes out to you, as I can relate to how you're feeling. Only
because I was there before, but am not currently there.......by the grace of
God.
The enemy attacks us where it hurts the most, in our homes. There's
nothing like feeling like your spouse or other family member is against you,
it makes you feel so disconnected and alone. Right where he wants you. I
remember a few years ago, my father was all for me homeschooling. But one
day, at a family picnic, his brother (who is a teacher.....groan), told him
how against homeschooling he is and how he feels like it takes real life
experiences away from children, blah, blah, blah. So my father says to me,"
I was thinking that your kids are missing out on important things. How are
they going to learn to defend themselves if someone bullies them? How will
they learn to stand up for themselves?" I was furious! Much like how you
felt when your husband made his comments based on what someone else thought
was best for your family. So I told my dad, that if it makes him feel
better, we'll take the kids into the bathroom occasionally, rough 'em up,
call them names and steal their lunch money.
Well, I can tell you that others had me questioning my homeschooling
choice in the past, and I felt the same doubts that my dad felt (and
probably your husband feels). But ya know what? YOU know it's right and
don't let others sway you, even if it's your husband! (I'm not suggesting
going against your husband, just not falling into the doubt trap). Unless
you feel like he's prayed and prayed about it and been led to feel this way,
I'd guess that it's just nagging doubts on his part.
As for the 'real world', my kids and I stop in front of schools
sometimes and just look at the building that is supposed to be the 'real
world'. Well, even my kids can see that it isn't. And to me, it just looks
like an institution. I doubt that is what God had in mind when the whole
education system got started. I could off on other tangents here, but I'm
very under the weather today, so my mind feels very foggy and I feel like
I"m rambling, so I'll spare you!
Keep fighting the good fight and get encouragement from God,
us and other friends who are supportive. And keep praying for your husband,
and with him (I forgot whether he's a Christian of not).
I also wanted to suggest this to you (going to another church like
Ann suggested). I know it made a difference to us......my husband and
children also, could be supported in the homeschooling decision. Our pastor
homeschools, as does more than half of the parents in the church. It's kind
of strange that the public schooled kids are the minority at our church!
That's how I wish the rest of the world was, but that's just me dreaming!
> I have had people in leadership in my church question that I should be homeschooling. . . .the pressure sure is on to put them in public school.<<
This is weird. I understand why a public school teacher would feel
this way -- but leaders in your church? This begs for a talk with
your pastor.
> she is convinced that he needs
> the additional social challenges
You mean, like the temptations for drugs, gangs, violence, sex,
bullying, irresponsibility, and so on? You can call those
"challenges" if you want to, but that's misleading. A challenge is
something that can make you stronger. A temptation is something that
can make you weaker.
> along with exposure to extra
> curricular activities.
Our homeschooled kids have been in gymnastics, karate, swimming,
music lessons, field trips, animal dissections, art projects, and
more. I suspect your kids have had similar experiences.
> There is absolutely no pressure to
> put the children in Christian school so I can have a break. No one
> seems concerned about me.
Does your husband know you feel this way?
(Speaking as a man -- sometimes we need to be told outright.)
> my son has to learn to get along in the real world.
"The real world" has many facets. There are the aspects of ugliness
and hatefulness and distrust and shallowness and self-induced
problems. This is what many people mean by the term, and why they
want anybody's kids in it is beyond me. "The real world" also
includes love, excellence, beauty, virtue, faith, and
self-improvement. Up to a point, we get to choose which side of "the
real world" we immerse our kids in. For my family, I want my kids to
learn the latter -- and then I hope they will impose such a reality
on the rest of their world. No, that's not Disneyland; it's the way
we're raising our kids.
And a final point, one which you might not want to hear. Often, even
unfair criticisms contain an element of truth. Proverbs says that
the wise person is glad to be rebuked and even struck. Maybe in all
this, there is a lesson, an area where you need to grow.
So I told my dad, that if it makes him feel
> better, we'll take the kids into the bathroom occasionally, rough 'em up,
> call them names and steal their lunch money.
LOLOL, it is funny, and at the same time, not funny. What did your Dad say?
I'll bet he hasn't brought it up since!
I have felt like this too, and I think it is an attack. My dh was heading
down that road (public school) and I was praying hard that God would change
his mind because I know that homeschooling is what He wants for our family.
A couple of weeks ago some friends came over for dinner and talked about the
influences their son is getting in public school - the lyrics of the popular
music, the language he uses with friends, etc. Dh said to them "That is why
our girls will never go to public school," and there has been no mention of
it since (although dh asked what the plan was for their high school years -
its funny since they are only 4 and 6).
So basically all I have to offer is been there, praying for you.
You are not wrong for being upset, and yes even in the church we are
under attack with our HSing and our morals and convictions that God has given us. I have been HSing for 17 years and Ive had some people make remarks how can you stand being home "ALL" day with all those kids. I need a break......
Well I have a son who is ADD, and I have 2 daughters who one is dyslexic
and the other a delayed learner. Do you want your child in a system where I
live isnt much hope for a LD child. My son was beaten up every day in K5, he
had learning problems and for his belief in Jesus. Well the worst abuse of
all has been in the church, he was ridiculed, beaten up and literally destroyed
his self esteem until he will not walk in the church doors and he is now 21.
I think we have to kindly put people in their place, I said
kind....."Well the Lord has given us a vision for our family and we feel that God wants us
to HS our children and where God guides he provides so obedience is better
than sacrifice.....God Bless and walk away. Im not rude but I feel I am doing
what God has called me to do and he will take care of us, but do pray for your
husband that God will keep his eyes and thoughts on him and his will for your
childrens lives and education.
Dont let people like that aggravate you, theyre not on the same
wavelength, when they are facing drugs, peer pressure and whatever else happens in the
PS well she will be coming to you.............
_______, you are so dear and do such a great job spiritually and
academically with your kids ...... sorry you have to deal with this. You
brought up several main issues. My first concern is that you and dh have
time to continue to talk, without resentment.
This may seem off-topic or like unsolicited advice, but I think when hard
things come up in our marriages, connecting emotionally first brings us to a
place to work them out better. Hope you don't mind my taking this
opportunity to share something that I love to tell people about. One of the
best ways I know to re-build trust and intimacy in marriage is something I
saw on Oprah 15 years ago, and have successfully used all these years:
One person tells any story about being hurt in the past (usually the farther
back the better; I wouldn't advise using a "hot" or current topic until
you've practiced this). You have to be detailed with how you were hurt, and
let yourself feel that pain and share it with your partner. (We all have
such stories from childhood, if we allow ourselves to remember them.) The
other person comforts you (they have to know this is their job and agree to
do it -- holding you, let you cry, whatever you need.....just listening, NO
ADVICE).
Then, you switch and the other person tells a story. This is an extremely
powerful "bonding tool" in marriage. My husband is VERY left-brained (dr.
unofficially diagnosed him w/Asperger's) and yet this is a way he can be
loving and emotionally responsive -- an marriage "assignment" where he
understands the rules, taught himself how to do it, and likes the results
(closer feeling). So it works, after some practice.
Another thing from our family. My nephew was a great student in Christian
School, showed spiritual growth, when young. After a move they put him in
public school around 12 yrs old. Now he's 16 and has been on drugs for over
a year--flunking out, hopelessly lost, like housing a demon at home.
Obviously, the parents are heart-broken.
Some strong kids fly through public school. A majority tolerate it and get
through somehow, but they sacrifice those years that could have been
focussed on the Lord, learning their purpose, and developing self-confidence
and experience in their gifts. A growing minority bottom out and may never
recover spiritually, like my nephew. I think when sending to ps, we are
throwing our kids up to chance, hoping they will be the success story.
We allow people to tell us the ps success stories, forgetting the other
stories that we can tell. My dh and I may send our younger two to public hi
school, we don't know yet. We'll have to see more spiritual leadership in
them than what we see yet (ages 12, 10, 8). I should say that our middle is
in ps this year - 5th grade, for one year only. I'm not anti-school. I'm
just for raising Christian kids, not cultural kids. Now that we're
experiencing a year of public school (after 4 years homeschooling) I can
again see why we need to homeschool.
I think our job requires more self-confidence than most people could ever
have. When these issues come up, it's Satan attacking our
self-confidence....I feel that at least weekly. Sometimes I panic that I'm
ruining my kids. _______, you're on the right road. I'm know you're doing
way more at home than I am, and you have to tell yourself it's "good
enough." (My husband gives himself grace by telling him he doesn't have to
be perfect -- that he's doing "good enough." I think that's a wonderful
theological concept.) Sorry this is so long -- just care about you.
No thanks needed. Isn't this why we are on this list, to get help and advice when we need it? Our family will be praying for you and especially your husband.
You are not the only one under attack. We have been going thru this just about every time we have a break, or someone in the dr's office asks why the others aren't in school, or they are outside playing during school hours, or a list of other reasons. But now, I'm the one thinking (and fighting) about sending the children to "school", because I don't feel "adequate" to teach them. My dh comes home and asks how my day was, and I break down because we didn't "do school". (Notice, I didn't say we didn't learn anything.) He just holds me and reminds me that life isn't about busy work, but what we can learn from our experiences.
I let the children learn about textures today by making rubbings in the backyard. We actually covered science (what is it), math (how many, who got the most) and social skills (neighbor child was over). This held their attention for more than an hour. Now they are building a fort out of old tires.
I'm sorry I got off the subject, but our children are what matters, not what everyone else thinks. Stick to your guns and don't back down until you feel the Holy Spirit telling you to. Trust me, compromising should not be in a home-schooler's vocabulary (unless truly necessary). I compromised in October about a Halleluia Party (instead of Halloween) and I'm still hearing questions from my CHILDREN about why!!
________, I understand your feelings. I went through a similar attack today. I took my children to their monthly dr appt. with the pychiatrist. They have multiple specail needs including fetal alcohol sydrome. My son struggles so much with social skills and it is getting worse and more apparent with age. Of course, the dr. says that she is not against homeschooling and can see why i kept him home "this" year but he needs the social skill exposure he will get at school. She then proceeds to tell me that i must be realistic........that he will not go to college and he will maybe be able to have a job if he has a mentor to shadow him at work. Also if I don't address the social issues.....at 16 things will be even worse. It was like getting kicked hard in the stomach. I am aware of my children's handicaps. I am also a mom who believes and has hope for my children's future. I know homeschooling is good for them and yet some dr. comes in and negates all i am trying to accomplish.
I think as we are homeschooling, we are constantly being questioned and doubted and forever needing to prove ourselves and it is so wrong. Our children can fail in public school and no one bats an eye but yet they scrutinize our homeschooling. This has really gotten me down too. The doubts that people put in my mind about homeschooling and also being told that I need to keep my expectations real and being told so bluntly how your children will acheive in the future was just too much for me. I am going to stay on the path. And try to keep the faith for I know God is with me. Hang in there. It is truly a struggle but when others cause us to question our lifestyle and parenting etc., it is truly hard.
>>She then proceeds to tell me that i must be realistic........that he will not go to college and he will maybe be able to have a job if he has a mentor to shadow him at work. Also if I don't address the social issues.....at 16 things will be even worse. <<
How kind of your doctor to point this out to you...(rueful smile). And even
assuming she is right, isn't it better to protect your son as long as
possible, thereby to shelter his self-esteem until he is strong and
confident enough to meet the world (which can be incredibly cruel to people
who struggle under handicaps). Did she have any other suggestions as to how
you could "address the social issues?" I would just tell her, "No, we are
keeping them home for their protection and care, as well as their education.
Now, what *else* can you suggest to help with these 'social issues?'"
I think helping a child at home to work out social difficulties is MUCH more
effective than throwing them into a classroom where they have to work out so
many different layers of relationships, all while trying to survive and
succeed academically. To say nothing of the cliques, the teasing, the
bullying, and the downright nastiness that they all have to deal with. My
son has ADHD and reacts very strongly to teasing, though we have been
through many talks, role-play, etc. In the moment he has a hard time
remembering not to react, or a better way to react. In school he has to
keep going through the experience on a daily basis. It reminds him that he
keeps forgetting, if you know what I mean. It would be much easier for me
to stay at his side in a one-to-one play date, to coach him through those
awkward moments. I can't be there in the classroom, the lunchroom or the
playground. I imagine one of these days I am going to get a call saying
that he has punched someone out and is suspended. Yes, that is a *great*
way to work on social skills, you bet.
I have not been hsing long, but I just wanted to tell you to hang in
there. People who have never hsed have no clue what we do. I don't think they are trying to be mean. They just don't understand.
I also wanted to tell you that in one part of your letter you mentioned
that your hsing is not perfect, but no schooling experience is perfect. Even
if your child was in PS they wouldn't be getting everything they needed there
either.
We have to remember that this life is short and how smart we are or how
much we learn is not going to mean a whole lot when you look at eternity.
Bringing your children up in a Godly home and making sure they are saved, that is
what is going to really matter at the end of time.
I know that there are certain things that children need to learn, but
being in a loving home with parents that care...they will learn it. Right after I
started hsing we were riding in the van together and my 10yo was telling us
something about the solar system that he had learned in PS and my dh looked at
me and said "are you going to be able to continue that level of learning" and
I looked at him and said ..." well, I can tell you one thing...I know for a
fact that there are somethings he won't learn being at home that he would being
in PS" and my husband knew exactly what I was getting at. The children learn
so many "bad" things being around other children that we as parents have no
control over when they are in PS. I know we can't protect them forever but at
least we can continue to give them a good firm foundation so that when they are
faced with other situations they know how to handle them.
Anyway, I going on and on, but mostly I wanted to tell you that if the
Lord has called you to hs He will lead you and guide you. Don't let other people
get to you. Stand firm and proud when others "attack" your hsing decision.
God bless you.
We just had to go through a tough decision this past September. Our
daughter was going into highschool. Our 3 children had all been in the
Christian school but there was no way we could afford both Christian
elementary and highschool. Most families in that situation tend to opt for
the public highschool because their other children are established in the
Christian school. Homeschooling was not an option for our daughter. The
advise we got from the Christian community was that if you have to choose,
pick Christian Highschool over elementary because teenagers are so
influenced by their peers.
Having put our youngest daughter in PS (she is in 1st grade) full time I
can say that, yes she is learning and doing very well. I am also having
wonderful conversations with her teacher who is really opening up to the
Christian faith (she agreed to read the book "The Legend of the Candy Cane"
to the class and loved it so much she bought 2 for her nephews for
Christmas!). However, instead of celebrating Jesus birth the last day
before Christmas they had a "Beethoven's birthday party". At this age it is
still okay because we can all talk about this as a family. This sort of
stuff in highschool I wouldn't even hear about to deal with.
My son is in 5th grade in PS, but only part-time. His teachers are
wonderful. However, he is quite influenced by his peers. They come from
all backgrounds, a number of whom are quite troubled. While I think this
can also be a learning experience about the world and a way to teach our
children how to cope, I wonder if it is too young.
People often accuse Christian schools and Homeschoolers as sheltering their
children from "real" life. I disagree. Do we say that we should forget
church and just worship on our own? No, we worship together for a number of
reasons. A sense of community builds strength and courage and this is done
in both Christian school and HS.
Oh dear, I wrote a book again - sorry. Anyhow, to sum it all up, I am with
you _______. Homeschooling is tough work but I do think it is well worth
it for many reasons. I think that more and more people are starting to see
the benefits of it. Of course it is not for everyone, but neither is the
school system!
>> People often accuse Christian schools and Homeschoolers as sheltering
their children from "real" life. <<
I don't think there can be any sheltering in *any* school. The kids with
troubled backgrounds are also in Christian schools, although perhaps they
are not *as* troubled. Divorce is everywhere, neglect is everywhere, drugs
are everywhere, perhaps even more in an affluent Christian school with kids
who get everything they want and are bored.
My kids were shocked at the word "stupid" up through 2nd grade, and then the
outer world came crashing in on them through other kids at school (small
Christian). Now they know all the words there are and probably more. My
middle schooler swears that no one has yet approached him about drugs, but
it won't be long I feel certain. Let alone sex - word has it that a
Catholic school nearby has problems with girls approaching boys to
perform...well...
I am sorry to be so graphic and shocking, but the problems of this world are
everywhere. The only sheltering possible is, as the book title reads, "The
Shelter of Each Other." (Mary Pipher)
So I told my dad, that if it makes him feel
> better, we'll take the kids into the bathroom occasionally, rough 'em up,
> call them names and steal their lunch money.
You're right, my dad hasn't brought it up since! But I do want to say that I
didn't coin the phrase, I read it on a homeschooling board somewhere, but I
love using it, usually stops people in their tracks! I usually try not to
make sarcastic comments like that, but if someone is making an obvious
statement against what I"m doing and then bringing up such a silly reason
why not to homeschool, I feel like they kind of deserve a silly response
back.
Which brings me to a pet peeve of mine, why do people feel like
criticizing homeschooling is fair ground when other things people wouldn't
even dream of making comments on? For instance, no one says,"My, you have a
big butt! You really should go on a diet so that you can look like and fit
in with other ladies your age." Or if someone mentioned that their child
went to a public school, I wouldn't all of a sudden go into a lecture why
that is such a dumb decision. (I'm not saying it's a dumb decision, just
saying that it would be unheard of for someone to make such an
inconsiderate,uninformed and intrusive comment.) Or if someone in line at
the grocery store told you that they were a
_____________democrat/republican/independent (you fill in the blank), you
wouldn't try to change the mind of a complete stranger. So why do people
feel like they can pipe in about your schooling choice?
Reading all the responses I think there are alot of us
'out there' who go through those times of people
questioning us (or grilling as the case may be). It is
doubly hard when it is from a friend, family memeber
or church, as these are the places we go for support!
We recently went back to our old church where there
are only 3 families that homeschool and TONS of ps
teachers, ps counselors etc. It is kind of
interesting the questions that come up... so far no
direct hits, but you always wonder.
The other thing
that I have REALLY noticed is that at Sunday School,
my bouncy ADHD strong willed son is one of the calmest
and respectful of the group. His teacher has told me
that she loves having him in class because he thinks
for himself and has interesting well thought-out
points to contribute. She said that in 8 years of
teaching the jr high kids- he is the first one to come
up to her and thank her for the time she invests and
to tell her she is making a difference in his life. 8
YEARS!!!!! He is amazed at the destructiveness & lack
of respect for their teacher and the church in general
that the other kids have. I noticed the trampy way
most of the girls dress - all to please their peers
and the worlds sense of "fashion" - I cannot imagine
having to be around that all day long and still try
and focus on your school work. He gets picked at, but
is learning to not respond as much... in fact one kid
was messing with him and he finally told the kid
calmly that if he "had a little more self-confidence -
he wouldn't need to call other people names..." yikes.
My point is I guess that my kids notice a difference
as well. I agree with you totally about being under
attack - I have spoken with so many lately who are
seeing Satan attacking marriages, sibling
relationships - homeschooling- anything to do with the
family. It confirms to me the importance of what we
are doing and that if Satan were not threatened - he
would be focusing elsewhere. You are such a blessing
to all of us here on this list- and I will be praying
for you and your family in this. Maybe there is
something specific or simple that is on your hubby's
mind that could get you tracking together again. hugs
and hang in there. ~:o)
Our family is praying for you, and I pray that things will get better.
We experienced something similar last year (in January actually), but it was an attack from an acquaintance whom I had been friendly to for a few years though our views differed in many areas. She basically attacked my choice of schooling, and, when I remained firm in this being what God wants for my family, she basically told me that I was wrong headed. As you said in your post, she didn't attack the education my children are getting or my children's behaviour, it was the idea of homeschooling that she is so firmly against.
Quite often I reply, "Yes, as a matter of fact, socialization is one of the
primary reasons why we homeschool." And then I go on to explain what many
others on this list have said about teaching their children good social
skills.
>>I am sorry that this is so long. I am hurt, upset, and praying hard. I am seeking the Lord and making sure He wants me to continue homeschooling my
children. I am certainly open to changing gears since homeschooling is not fun for me nor is it relaxing, refreshing, freeing of my time. Am I seeing things wrong? Is my family under attack?<<
I honestly feel for you. I think homeschooling is not fun for you beyond the
normal challenges it brings. When a person is doing something they believe
in and feel as though no one is supporting them, it sucks the joy right out.
Keep leaning on the Lord and trust what he has placed on your heart.
As for dhs, they aren't as "involved" as moms so they struggle when having to
stand up for it. Have him create a mission statement and look back to what
he wants to see for your children everytime he's "attacked" by outsiders. It
isn't easy in any way. I feel the same way. I'm tired of not feeling
supported.
I want to thank everyone for their responses to my plea for help regarding what I see as an attack on homeschooling.
It is so funny how I have never had support from anyone to homeschool. Not really. Well, let me modify that statement just a little. I had support for about a year when I first started.
The family that helped me get started homeschooling still homeschools, has homeschooled their children through highschool (the older ones), and was very supportive of me. But we don't live in the same town or state anymore.
When we left ____ in '__, we moved to the _____ area where we knew no one. I tried to join the homeschooling group there, but my children were very difficult in groups and my dh was never available in the evenings so I could go to meetings. This has continued throughout our marriage.
_____ mentioned extracurricular activities. Well, whenever I try to do something in that area, my dh comes in and sees that I stop because it costs money. Again, he is not there to watch the other children while I take one child to lessons of any kind.
I have tried gymnastics, horseback riding, co-ops, 4-H, baseball, and many other activities. But my dh is not here and it is very difficult to do all this by myself.
Honestly, I feel like a single mom half the time. I know I am not because he does wake up sometimes and take care of the kids in the evening when I am totally worn out, and I do not have to work outside the home (I do work inside the home doing web design in my spare time :-) ).
I do know this: my 13yo is getting an excellent education this year. The Lord led me in putting together his curriculum. I even have his highschool years planned out for math and science so when he goes to college he will be advanced and prepared (two areas my dh says his public school highschool years failed to prepare him).
My 12yo daughter comes to me for affirmation a lot. What a gift. She loves to talk to me still. She is almost nonverbal because she has difficulty retrieving words when she needs them, but she will talk to me because I am patient and never make fun of her, or we laugh together when I have to help her choose a word because I have memory problems (word retrieval) as well.
When I was her age, I never spoke to my mom. I was already emotionally on my own. I remember back to how scary that was. I never felt safe. I was exposed to entirely too much in middle school. I hardened up and when I entered highschool, I was tough as nails.
I don't want my kids to be tough as nails. I want them tender and sensitive. I want them to serve and love.
I prayed a lot yesterday. I have been praying for my friend, for my husband, and for me to know for sure what the Lord wants me to do.
_____, I do feel that the Lord wants to touch on something in me. I feel challenged to love each of the people who cannot find it in their hearts to support me. Although I have always had to make decisions on my own and stand on them mostly alone (child of a single parent family, single mom myself), I want some kind of connection somewhere. I yearn for affirmation, the affirmation I have never had, but is not essential for me to do what I need to do.
I do believe ____ in __ has hit the nail on the head. My friend is ignorant of homeschooling and is against the idea of homeschooling, not necessarily my own homeschool.
Thank you again everyone. Your encouragement has built me up in the most holy faith. I seek the Lord for direction while standing firm where I am right now.
We will be praying for you also. And from a distance we affirm with you
this: that you are free in Christ and God will bless any choice or decision
you make -- but more than that He will guide you in making the decision as
well. I'm a husband; my wife is the home school teacher, but I have learned
to trust her instincts. We talk about the home schooling advantages, the
needs of our children (only one is now still in home school; one graduates
high school this year and one completes 8th grade, both were home schooled
for four years by our choice and theirs).
For our son, first grade and who is home schooled and it may be for man
years, we also talk over and pray together about his needs. But as my wife
is with him far more than I am, I try to trust her judgment more than my own
opinions -- though I still share my ideas freely and sometimes they complete
the picture.
We will also pray that you will find one or two home-schooling parents who
understand you very well, and whose children can be friends and companions
to your own. From our experience, finding just one home-schooling parent who
feels a close kinship with our situation, has made life a lot richer and
provided a real outlet for talking, and good support for us and our son.
Our family just got back from a two week vacation and I've been reading
all your wonderful
posts. The one that __________ sent really touched on a topic that I've been
trying to cope with
since Thanksgiving. During that time my brother in law attacked my decision
to homeschool.
He said that my children would be better off in public school too. It was a
one hour debate.
They send their children to private school. Really when I think about it,
it was ridiculous that
I debated that long. But the most damaging aspect was that I felt that he
didn't have faith in
my abilities and I came home from that conversation depressed and downcast.
I've always
believed in lifting up others and it hurts when others are comfortable
tearing us down.
But this is what God has shown me....
I am accountable to Him. My homeschooling has to please Him. My attitude
needs to be
loving and my character must become more and more like Him. My job is not
to please man
(my brother in law) or my friends. The Lord does want my husband pleased
with me and
I need to listen to his concerns.
Satan desires to tear apart our families. He uses doubt and He longs for us
to be negative
about our spouses and family members. I must make a real effort to create
unity with my
husband and to have a united front. _________, on this one I have found that
I must share my
hurt and disappointment with my husband. ( We have a very unique story. We
divorced
one another after 7 years of marriage and then became Christians and
remarried. We have
been remarried to one another for 10 years. ) The last big disagreement we
had I was going
to stuff my feelings...I ended up telling him how hurt and frustrated I felt
and it brought so
much more unity. We are not always in agreement but we are very close to
one another
and we listen to one another. I love him more now than I ever have.
I wanted to write my brother in law a letter or call him on the phone and
tell him how hurt I
was....but I didn't. I stayed quiet for a month and he apologized over
Christmas for having
such a heated discussion. At that time I told him that I believed
that he and his wife were making the best decision for their family and we
were making the
best decision for our family....I did also add that the topic wasn't open
for discussion any more.
I am not going to debate the issue for an hour again.
But in the process I did go through some real soul searching. I want to
know that I am doing
the best job that I can. I don't always feel that way. Goals need to be
set and I need to spend
time planning the curriculum that we are doing. The kids are doing fine but
I need a way to
"present" their work in a way that shows all the work we are doing. It's
good to be accountable
and I need that.
I hope and pray for your strength and courage. Just in the short time that I have been on here I have been encouraged. I pray that you and your husband
have a real chance to talk. Think of everything that you appreciate about
him. Write it down if you have to. Bless him with your appreciation. Think of it as spiritual warfare. God will be glorified!!!! Whatever is noble, right, and true...think about these things. I hope in a small way I can encourage you.
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