ADHD of the Christian Kind - List Archives: Adult ADDers and their families

Adult ADDers (and their families) - Part 1

NOTICE: The following posts are taken from the Christian ADHD List. The names, e-mail addresses and locations of all parties involved have been removed to protect their privacy. The posts have been used with permission, but are copyrighted by ADHD of the Christian Kind.

My heart goes out to you! In my house, I'm the ADD one and have to try and keep myself in check. It's not that I want control, I couldn't care less about that. But I do find myself getting possessive of _____'s time. Last night for instance, _____ had a meeting at church and afterwards he and our pastor (who also happens to be one of our best friends) got to talking. When he called to tell me he was on his way home he said, "sorry I'm so late, I got caught up talking to _____". Well, that's all I needed to be angry. When he came home I said to him, "let's take a look at this situation. You were with _____ and _____ last (Sunday) night watching the super bowl, you saw _____ tonight, Wednesday night you have you're PK (Promise Keepers - they have a weekly prayer time) and Saturday you're going to be with _____ all day!" This is all true. But when he finally explained that ______ really needed to talk about things that were wearing heavily on his mind, I felt terrible, but instead of admitting that right away, I told him, "why didn't you say _____ was upset and needed to talk? It's not like you don't have a tendency to just loose track of time you know!" He does have a tendency to loose track of time, that is true. But I was trying to cover up feeling guilty for getting angry. I later did admit that I was sorry.

I write this little story to you all not to repent and get your forgiveness. But I'm hoping that if I can explain my reactions as an ADD person, it will help you with ADD spouses understand their reactions a little better. I feel safe enough to divulge my true emotions here, and I hope that in doing that, it will help. You see I often feel so inadequate and stupid, that I find myself reacting angrily and sometimes offensively as a defense mechanism, so I don't feel that way. I doubt that makes any sense, but I hope you understand what I'm saying.

I know it doesn't make me any easier to live with, but I am praying about that. The thing that _____ does that helps me the most is to notice the things I do, or at least attempt to do.

"When we stop expecting our husbands to "understand" what it is like to be alone all day with a housefull of ADHD children, and to "know" we need a break"

I think this is an important point. As I posted earlier about the differences between men and women, their thought processing, etc. This is part of it too. _____ has told me that because of the way men are designed it is more difficult to put themselves in another persons place and to feel what they feel.

I used to try to get _____ to understand my feelings by putting them into his world. I would say things like, "well, how would you feel" ok, as soon as that came out of my mouth, I've lost him. _____'s eyes would literally glaze over and he'd get that distant look, or worse yet, he'd roll his eyes back as if to say, "oooohhhhhh, not this again!". Anyway, after I got done telling him about things I'd get really upset because he unfailingly would give me an answer that to my mind sounded like a self-rightous response! It's not that he wouldn't put himself in my place, it's that he COULDN'T. I've learned not to ask him "how would you feel" questions.

I've also learned, just as _____ was saying not to expect him to know my needs. But instead, I've learned to tell him what I need. "_____, I need a Mommy's night out". Or, "I want you to spend some time with me". This has helped tremendously! As far as the whole control issue goes. _____'s really great, he's not a control freak. But occassionally he get's a bit overbearing. If I just want to discuss my feelings over a situation, he tends to tell me how to deal with it. _____ is a "fixer". Last week he did get rather controlling. I ended up telling him he's being too domineering and I need him to back off some. OK, that was way less than tactfull, but I had reached my limits by then and the more subtle ways weren't getting the job done. How open to honest communication is your husband? It's worked very well for me to just tell _____ what I need.

But that sounds so simple. It isn't! It's taken me YEARS! And all because I didn't even know what I needed! That has made me realize how exasperating it must have been for _____. He tried to help me and make me happy, but if I didn't even know what I wanted, how in the world could he ever figure it out? I had to get to know and understand myself better.

Your post so touched my heart! God used you to remind me of my husband's struggles. I know he struggles, and I haven't been a very good friend to him recently. I have had all of this incredible anger and hopelessness toward him. How wrong of me! I'm so sorry! (I'll have to tell him!)

He doesn't really understand that the children have a problem, especially _____. He thinks she is just spoiled and whiney, and his parents are reinforcing this idea. I'm trying to find a way to make everyone understand that _____ has REAL PROBLEMS! She is not just spoiled!

Psalms 30:5 "For His anger endureth but a moment; in His favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."

I left at 1:00 pm with written instructions for dh to follow. Well I had to stay late at the shop tonight ( I didn't have to but I guess I choose to) and came home to a clean kitchen (yes they did the dishes tonight) and even the table was set for breakfast.

Dh didn't do his stuff, kids meds missed, and his only item on the list, he didn't do but kids did all there stuff. I told, yes I said Told dh he was to make a dr. appointment and start trying some meds as I am not tolerating his behavior anymore either. Well he didn't make the appointment today, says he forgot, but didn't object either so I am going to make it for him tomorrow. Gave kids bedtime meds when I got home and put them to bed (late again) but all in all a good day.

When you shared about your husband's behavior, I saw my dh so much. On top of everything, my dh decides to stop taking his anti-depressants 6 weeks ago and doesn't tell me. One day, I just ask him if he stopped taking his anti-depressants and he looks at me and says, "Yeah, six weeks ago." He thinks he doesn't need them and they make him feel funny.

Well, looking back I can see these have been the worst six weeks of this year. The anti-depressant at least helped with the emotional outburst part of ADD, but now there is nothing between my husband and his ADD. The littlest things set him off.

I think it is also time to get dh, Jonathan (ADHD) and myself to the counselor. I really don't think I need 10 more years of ADDville in my life. The worst part is knowing it can be treated and the denial my dh is in. He is not even aware of what his behavior "looks" like.

So I can relate to trying to force your husband to deal with his ADD. An older member who is no longer on the list said she bought _Driven to Distraction_ by Hallowel and just left it on the coffee table for months before her husband started reading it. Once he picked it up, a lightbulb went off in his head. I think I am going to buy that book and leave it: guess where? The coffee table.

My husband was taking paxil for his ADD. It really helped when it came to the extremes. We were in our own business with a business partner who was not a Christian. DH really regrets that! Anyway, dh had to come off of the medication for a period of time when he was ending the partnership relationship. He found that he was just TOO even and smoothed out to cope with this partner.

Now, I can't get him back on it. Seems like every communication he has with the children involves raising his voice. It's like he can't correct them without getting angry. I think I am going to encourage him to get back on it. He is not in the same situation he was in a year ago. Everything seems to irritate him. Do you find that to be the case with your dh? I have lived with him on it and off of it. I like the person better while he is on it. He is trying to control his extremes. But I wonder.....would he be better off on the medication? What about his blood pressure and heart rate? When he gets irritated, it is really almost an over-reaction. Do you know what I mean?

What you wrote is exactly what I meant. My husband was also taking Paxil. I don't think we had one fight when he was taking it every day. I did notice he started taking it off and on and we started bickering over really stupid stuff.

And yes, the anger and outbursts are almost too much for me to handle. He fusses about everything in the house, the kids, his computer, his car, the dog, the cat. No patience at all. I can say something to him and it is misinterpreted.

The darkness of depression will skew everything they hear. My son (8-ADHD and depression) also suffers from this. My husband has fallen back into that place of despair where nothing is working, everything is wrong, etc.

And yes, the voice is raised all the time and for really little reasons. It is hard.

I am ADHD and was first on Paxil. It did help me even out -- more in how I felt than in how I acted. I felt more at peace and contented. I was switched to Prozac because of fatigue -didn't work as well. Then we tried Wellbutrin -hello -old self. It sure wasn't pleasant. I was worrying again and it didn't help one bit with my distractions. Now i am a taking 25 mg. of Luvox at bedtime. It is helping just like Paxil but I still might need to go up in dose. I'll see. I don't mind admitting the ADHD anymore because I see it as having lots of benefits too. All I want to do for my kids and myself is manage some of the problems with the least amount of reduction in the positive aspects. And yes, like some others, I keep thinking that some of the bad traits will turn into good ones later on like stubborness turning into tenacity.

Thank you for sharing your experience with anti-depressants. For those who suffer from depression but may not be ready for prescription anti-depressants, or those like me who are not extreme, just a little moody (from hormones or whatever), I have been taking St. John's Wort for about two months and the cumulative effects are incredible.

I only take one capsule of 300 mg extract per day (directions say 3 per day). I have shared a little what it is like around here with two extreme ADDers, one an adult with severe depression problems. Even though my family feels like it is a real big mess, I have been able to stay close to the Lord and feel victorious most of the time. What _____ describes as evening out is exactly what St. John's Wort does for me.

For complete info. I am also taking a B-50 complex, Gingko Biloba and Ecchinacea/Goldenseal Root (to build up my immune system after months on antibiotics). I can really tell when I skip a day of my supplements, esp. the St. John's Wort.

I also bought dr, Hallowell books ( all of them,) and have read and studied them. I even went so far as to read Driven to Distraction and Answers to Distraction to dh. If I lust put them on the coffee table thet would NEVER GET OPENED or read. Dh was overwhelmed at the info. Well that was about three years ago. A couple of years ago we had the opportunity to meet Dr, Hallowell in person and listen to one of his lectures. Dh went with me and loved it. Also, we again have spoken with him when I was working on the Res. Justice paper. His stuff is the absolute BEST!!!!!!!!!

And dh agrees. Councellor? well this is a route we did try a few years back but ended up with a terrible mess and it literally almost destroyed our marriage. This experiance was so bad that the chances of dh or myself ever seeing someone esle is slim to non. There is just no trust or credibality allowd here. Really unfortunate experience. Dh will never go again. I have found that one of the most effective tools is a coach for dh but so far havn't found one out here and I am not the best choice for him. I am hopeing he will attend the Sept conference of promise keepers and God will provide him with a strong male mentor ( aka a coach) that has a willingness and maybe even some understanding of add.

Until then, this list provides lots of distant awareness for him ( I think) as he reads lots of the posts.

If any of you have not read Hallowell's Driven to Distraction or Answers to Distraction, please make it a priority!!!! It is well worth your time. And if an dh's may pick it up off the coffee table and read it, Amen!!!!!

Continue to Adult - Part 2